Hang’Dog Delights
- Heather Anne Lee
- Fred Lopez
You might say I was destined to become a food critic. My hooman, Heather, is some kind of food magician they call a “chef.” Her food never gets scooped from a bag; it’s always hot and sizzly and fills the house with all kinds of smells.
Sometimes she gives me a bite from her bowl if I use my best puppy-dog eyes. But my discerning palate really comes from all the stuff she leaves out for me to try on my own.
A package of spicy chicken sausage? Delicious. A sheet tray lined with bacon grease? Took me hours to lick up the evidence. I still don’t know how she found out.Butter? Bread? Frozen pork butt? She has left it all out in the open … I think she does it to show she loves me.
But in all my years of culinary counter surfing, I’d never tasted a people food that was not just for people, but for me. Then Heather took me to The Hangry Bison for the first time, and that’s when I saw it: an entire menu just for dogs, called the Hangry Hounds Menu.
It’s got six fur-friendly foods packed with the kinds of smells and tastes I can usually only snag off the counter. On our most recent visit, I was invited to taste-test a few and give my expert review as a certified gastro-pup.
A week later, I went back and sampled five different bivalves, equally diverse and appealing.
TASTE TEST NO.1
Plain Chicken Breast
Why do hoomans say “tastes like chicken” like it’s a bad thing? I think they are too spoiled by all their fancy seasonings to appreciate its slightly sweet barnyard scent and tender, resilient chew that makes me slow down just a bit to savor each bite.
The Hangry Hounds chicken is all that and more—oh, and juicy. Definitely juicy. That may just be the drool mixing with the chicken jus, but who cares? Make mine a double.
TASTE TEST NO.2
BACON!
Whenever my hoomans make a crispy, bacon-y sandwich, a sliver always miraculously finds its way into my dish And by “my dish,” I mean the floor, which I think is fair to say is all my dish. I live for the moment the meat drops, so imagine my delight when an entire bowl of those wrinkly, savory strips was dropped, tray and all, right in front of me. And it’s not even my birthday!
TASTE TEST NO.3
Chopped Bison Patty
Easily my favorite of the non-bacon delicacies, and one I’ve never had before. At first scent, I thought, hmm, maybe beef? But then there was something else, a sweet, grassy character underneath that rich, fresh-cooked meatiness that’s making me dizzy with delight. (I think I heard my hooman say bisons eat mostly grass,but I can’t remember for sure; I was using all of my brains for bison tasting.)
And since the meat juices lingered on the papery serving bowl, I started to rip into that, too. Lick the plate? Try eat the plate!
TASTE TEST NO.4?
Napkin
Heather said this wasn’t on the menu, so I guess this just happened to be a weeknight special! If you are lucky enough to spot one on the floor, don’t think twice—go for it before some other hooman picks it up. If it’s prepared right, that soft, delicate paper will rip into a million pieces. The best part is getting it all soggy and then spitting it out just before you choke on it.
TASTE TEST NO.5
Hooman Burger
Because I’m a lover at heart, I ordered a little something for Heather, too. The signature burger, “The Hangry Bison,” is an homage to all the things I’ve scarfed up before she got to taste them. Appropriate, right?
I was too busy with my own bison bites to really notice what they put in her bowl, but I think remember seeing a thick, juicy patty, some melty pepper jack cheese and sriracha, some tomatoes, olives, mustard, and I guess some people eat leafs? (Editor’s note: Rylee has never had, nor does she ever want to have, arugula.)
The smell? Spicy, tangy, meaty. I wish I could give you my professional opinion on the taste, but this time, Heather didn’t share a single bite. I know! I’m shocked, too. Something about me “already being full,” and that she’d “pay the price later”? I’m pretty sure I saw her pay when we left. Hoomans can be so confusing sometimes.
What I can tell you is that I’ll be back at the Bison again when I’m good and hangry. I hear good things about the sweet potato fries and barkachino.
