Baking Bad

I’m not the best at, as the French say, “cooking.” But despite my best efforts to avoid it, I occasionally find myself alone at dinnertime with nothing but ingredients to sustain me. One such occasion came up recently, but this time, I had a secret weapon: A discounted meal kit for Shepherd’s Pie.

I entered the kitchen that evening confident that my pre-measured packets and corporatized recipe would carry me. But the instructions were more than I bargained for, and I wound up having to modify it to suit my cooking style. I think it still turned out edible enough to write down my process so my fellow less-inclined cookers out there know what to expect.

Ingredients

• 4 Potatoes
• 4 Celeries
• 1 Carrot, unpeeled because what am I, your mother?
• 1 Beef
• 1 Yellow(?) onion
• 7 Packets of other stuff you need. Look it up.

You Will Need

• Help
• Knife
• Medium pan
• Wooden spoon
• Bare hands
• Potato masher or equivalent
• Stove

Instructions

Preheat broiler to high. I know, I didn’t mention a broiler. I’m mentioning it now.

Actually, don’t preheat the broiler yet. Way too soon. Forget I brought it up.

Cut vegetables according to assigned segmentation modalities. Potato, dice. Celery, slice. Onion, mince. Carrot, circumcise, then chop into Quarter. Inch. Half. Moons. This is essential to the integrity of the dish.

In a small pot (oh damn, there’s also a small pot, sorry), boil potatoes for 20 mins in salted water. Call husband in middle of business meeting to ask how much salt to put in water before considered “salted,” if desired. TIP: This is also a great time to find out what a broiler is.

In a medium pan, make educated guess as to which unlabeled cooking oil is olive, and heat a drizzle of it over medium-high heat. Add remaining veggies and cook 5-7 mins or until bored.

Add entire package of garlic powder, once you find it. The white baggie’s got powder, so that’s probably it. Dump all that shit in there.

Hold on, I think you were supposed to cook carrots for little bit before adding celery and onion. I’m sure it’s fine.

Listen to that sizzle. That means it’s cooking :)

Cook until fragrant, around—30 seconds? Oh god! Oh geez! Oh man!

In a small panic, grab beef loaf with bare hands and layer onto actively burning vegetable medley. Stir and break into pieces with wooden spoon, in manner similar to that of unclogging a toilet. Let it do its thing for a few.

Remove and drain potatoes, ideally during an earlier step to allow a few mins to cool. Add sour cream and butter and mash until smooth. TIP: If you don’t own a potato masher, a meat mallet is not an acceptable substitute.

Return to beef. Add flour packet and stir one minute until combined. Wait… flour? There’s no flour. The only dry ingredient left is this one labeled garlic powder… oh. Oh no.

Add tomato paste, stock concentrate, and half cup of water. Boil until thick. Now is as good a time as any to preheat broiler. Nothing matters anymore.

Top whole thing with potatoes and chuck into broiler. Listen to that smoke alarm. That means it’s cooking :)

Broil 3-4 mins or until fear of burning house down fully grips heart.

Best enjoyed directly from pan while standing in kitchen in underwear. And if anything about it sucks, you probably screwed up the carrots.