Clothes Combat

D

o you hate doing laundry? Cool, me too. Which is a huge bummer, because I love clothes. I wear them all the time, actually, and I bet I’m not the only one. So, I thought I’d use my platform for the public good and share my quick and easy, patent-pending Idiot’s Guide to Laundry. I’ll warn you, my methods are a little unorthodox, but in terms of efficiency, the results speak for themselves.

The first and most important step is to not. That’s right. Just don’t. See, society is trying to domesticate us, to crush us under the weight of mundanity. Laundry is a tool of the ruling class to keep our hands busy and our minds numb. I refuse to become a washer in the machine.

So yeah, just hang out and do whatever. Honestly, you might want to bookmark this article and come back to it in your own time, when you feel ready.

Feeling ready yet? Cool, me neither. Too bad, though, because I’m out of underwear, I’ve been fishing work clothes out of the hamper for weeks, and I’ve forgotten what a clean towel feels like. Worst of all, the only way out of this mess is to do the laundry—and now it’s a lot of laundry.

There’s a lesson to be learned here, if you’re into that sort of thing. But there’s no sense in looking back now. All we can do is pick ourselves up and get going on step two: the Heap.

Start by scooping up indiscriminate armfuls of clothing from the basket, the floor, the couch, the sink, etc., and dump them all in a big pile. This is your Heap—an uncurated oeuvre of your externalized sense of self, unique to you and to this moment. It’s literally art, so no one’s allowed to say it sucks.

Unfortunately, our art won’t fit in the wash hole, so we gotta de-heap it into smaller Heaplets, vaguely categorized by, I don’t know, texture? Color? Flavor? Whether the tag says rich-people shit like “dry clean only”? The only limit is your imagination. 

Measuring laundry soap is easy if you have good spatial awareness, so we’ll grab some laundry pods instead. Man, remember when kids were eating these things? That was crazy, haha. I bet they taste so weird. Imagine sinking your teeth into one. It’d probably pop like a big soap boba. And then all that laundry juice would come gushing out. Surely just one couldn’t—

Chuck those pods in (quickly), shut the door, and turn that big honkin’ laundry dial to whichever setting best suits the vibe. I usually go for “casual” because I’m a pretty chill gal. There are some other buttons on there, but I don’t think they do anything.

At last, we can slam that shiny “start” button and pour ourselves a drink because your laundry is hella done. Or, it’s hella started. Which is basically the same thing.

Well, there you have it! An efficient laundry routine that’s so easy, only an idiot could do it. I hope you enjoy trying this at home. Oh, and if you have any constructive feedback that would make this routine even better, please keep it to yourself.