Not My Cup of World

It’s that time of the quadrennium again. The time when every country who’s any country comes together and competes to be crowned the world’s very best… at soccer. Not the metric I would have chosen, but it sure beats the hell out of war.

This is the first year I’ve engaged with the World Cup, mostly because it’s the first year I’ve been lawfully wedded to a World Cup fan. As I understand it so far, soccer is basically identical to hockey: There’s a goalie. You can’t use your hands. You get special shoes. You say “offside” sometimes.

I acknowledge that I am a casual viewer at best (incidental at worst). But I am a viewer nevertheless, so I feel qualified to throw out some ideas that would make me enjoy the sport and the viewing experience a lot more:

“Rest of the World” team. Take the best players from countries that don’t have dedicated teams, and combine their strengths into one multinational mega-team. It’d be like Remember the Titans, but the other kind of football.

Separate commentary for noobs. I don’t know who any of the players are and I’m not going to learn. What I need is someone to explain the strategies, because without it, all I see is a bunch of dudes kicking a ball around. Alternatively, we could simulcast the Telemundo guy to every other station so I at least know when to be excited.

More commercial breaks. As a red-blooded American, I become weak and sickly without sufficient exposure to advertisements. We’re off to a good start with adding the “hydration break” to the middle of each half, so Jeep can remind me how much they love the game they’re currently interrupting, but I still think we could do better.

Karaoke lyrics for all the national anthems. I want to sing along.

Yard lines. Or, yes, we could do “meter” lines to keep things international. We’re watching from so far away and I want to see how fast the little guys are going.

Recognition for reigning champs. The country that won the last World Cup should get a little trophy icon added to the bottom right corner of their flag. Players could also get a “Cup Champion” badge on their jerseys. Ooh, or on a Stanley cup, that’d be funny.

Streamlined player stat system. There are way too many separate player stats to keep track of. It would be easier to consolidate them into D&D stats, which a ton of people are already familiar with. Shots and scores would become Strength, obviously. Passing becomes Dexterity. Expected Goals becomes Charisma. It writes itself.

Celebrity Cam intrigue. When the camera pans over famous people in the crowd, they have to kiss.

Goalie gloves for all players. This adds a layer of complexity, since it’s harder to not touch the ball with your hands. That, and I like the mental image of a dozen very sweaty Mickey Mouse performers angrily searching for their heads.

Audience vote on penalties. Soccer fans are known for their sportsmanship and amenability to disputes. Imagine if they had the collective power to overturn a referee’s every call. I can’t think of a single reason why this would be a bad idea.