Staying Home

Becca Lanterman Bradford’s father used to swear he’d die in his recliner. “Right here,” he’d say, smacking the armrest. “They can bury me in this chair.” It was half a joke, half a promise, and wholly the kind of thing the family laughed off—until they couldn’t. Because the truth is, most aging parents don’t want to leave their homes.

“I just looked it up this morning to make sure,” says Becca, a senior-home-care expert who has spent years helping seniors stay put safely. “Seventy-five percent of people over 50, and 85% over 65, want to remain in their homes. The problem is, no one talks about it. No one talks about how to make that happen.”

And it’s understandable. Who wants to sit across from their aging parents and say, Hey, let’s make a plan for when you can’t drive, or get up the stairs, or make it to the bathroom alone? It feels like admitting defeat, as if talking about it will somehow speed up the decline.

But Becca is firm on this point: The hard questions have to be asked.

“The Silent Generation—those World War II and Korean War guys—they’re not talking about what they want or need. And Boomers, the ones in their 60s and 70s? They are a little better, but not much. No one really wants to talk about aging. So the truth is, it’s going to fall on the kids to ask, because we’re the ones who are going to see it.”

How do you know when it’s time to have the conversation?

“It’s never too soon,” Becca says. “If you are an adult in your 30s or 40s, and your parents are in their 50s or 60s, start talking about aging now. Make it a part of regular conversation. That way, when symptoms start showing up, you’re prepared.”

The signs are almost always subtle at first.  The dishes pile up. Doctor’s appointments get missed. A sudden fear of falling appears, which, as Becca warns, “can totally restrict their life. If they’re afraid, they stop moving. And when they stop moving, they get isolated. And then—atrophy, weight changes, depression. It all snowballs.”

She says the signs can take many forms. A father who no longer tinkers in the garage. A mother who once quilted with her church group every Thursday but started skipping, then stopped going entirely. They’re not reading any more, or they’re reading too much and not being active. That’s a red flag.

“Ask specific questions: ‘Where did you go today? Who did you see?’ Patterns tell a story. If they used to have something they loved and suddenly they’re not doing it anymore, there’s a real reason for that,” she explains.

It’s easy to ignore the signs. Easier to tell ourselves everything’s fine, that they’re just tired or don’t feel like going out. But ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. And when families don’t address these issues early, they end up calling Becca’s company, Winter Garden Senior Home Care, in crisis.

“We get those calls all the time,” she says. “Mom’s just out of the hospital, Dad’s in over his head, the house isn’t safe, nobody has a plan, and now everyone is panicking.”

Safety First

Most people assume making a home safer means grab bars in the shower and maybe one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” buttons. But Becca shakes her head.

“That’s the bare minimum. There are dozens of other hazards: slippery floors, ornate rugs, changing surfaces, shelves that require step stools, loose railings. And I hate to say this because I have little dogs and I love them, but small dogs are a trip hazard.”

And steps. Even tiny ones. “I walk up to houses and immediately see danger zones. That one-inch lip where the flooring changes? That’s a broken hip waiting to happen. And hip fractures in seniors? They can be catastrophic.”

Then there’s food. “Look in the fridge,” she says. “If it’s full of Banquet meals and canned soup, that’s a problem. Sodium is through the roof in those, and it just makes chronic conditions worse. Expired yogurt, also a health risk. We’ve had families move their parents into assisted living just for the meals.”

If cooking is still an option, grocery delivery can be a game changer. “A lot of my clients’ kids live out of state, so they use a meal delivery service or Kroger grocery delivery. That way, they know their parents have fresh food.”

The knee-jerk solution when a parent can’t live alone is often, Well, we’ll just move them in with us. It’s a loving instinct, but Becca has seen it backfire more times than she can count.

“There’s unspoken trauma in those dynamics,” she says. “We love our parents, but when they start declining—especially cognitively—it can be triggering for everyone. If you don’t have the right setup, or the right help, it can become unbearable.”

For some, independent living communities like Overture or Aria are a good middle ground. “Those places aren’t licensed healthcare facilities, so they’re less expensive—maybe $1,800 or $2,000 a month instead of $5,000 for assisted living. It’s still independent, but with the option of home care services. It’s a great solution if keeping up with a house is the issue.”

The real problem, though? People wait too long to make decisions. “They call too late,” she says. “They wait until there’s a fall, a hospitalization, a crisis. But the best thing you can do is start small. Bring in a caregiver just once a week. Build trust. Then, if something happens, there’s already a relationship in place.”

For families who aren’t close by, Becca recommends choosing a healthcare surrogate before there’s an emergency.  “A lot of families don’t realize that if Mom has a stroke or Dad develops dementia, they might not legally be able to make medical decisions for them,” Becca warns. “It’s so much easier to have that conversation now—before it’s needed—so there’s no confusion later. And having a surrogate in place helps expedite help when it’s needed.”