The Best of the Rest
An unsanctioned list of unsung local besties.
Well, that’s it; you’ve seen the very best this issue has to offer…. Or have you?
No, yeah, you have. But that doesn’t mean it’s over! See, there was originally a “best fabricator of nonsense for no reason” category, which I had won, but we took it out just before press due to the obvious socioeconomic implications. So instead of winning like the rest of you, I’ll defend my title by fabricating my own awards that are meaningless to everyone, because I can.
best big lots
Oh, Wait.
Maybe I shouldn’t kick a major retail chain while it’s down. But it’s not like they’ll see it, right? Mr. Biglots, if you read this and feel bullied, please email me so I can bully you even more.
Runner-Up: JoAnn Fabrics & Crafts
best vaguely threatening decor
Glass Ceiling Spikes, Azteca D’Oro
The real clincher here is that two or three of them are missing.
Runner-Up: Living Moss Wall, LiveTrends
best trash
A Pair of Yellow Reading Chairs
They were too grody to salvage by the time I came across them, but not so grody that I didn’t think about it real hard.
Runner-Up: The Fully Assembled Wayfair Corner Shelf That Is Now In My Living Room
best varmint
Pepper the Possum, Oakland Nature Preserve
Isn’t she the cutest marsupial you ever did see? It helps that she’s out in broad daylight rather than hissing at you from under your porch.
Runner-Up: Your Freakin’ Outdoor Cat
best disclaimer
Sock Censorship
The novelty sock displays at Adjectives have signs warning the gentle consumer that the fabric they were about to witness had an entire swear word on it. If they had the guts to print that on a pair of socks, I’d buy the h*ck out of them. (Note: Turns out the “gentle consumer” has destroyed all of those signs since the last time I visited. This award is now granted in memoriam.)
Runner-Up: Yield to Pedestrians
best brick
Second Tile in the Dash in “Air-Flow,” Downtown Fountain Mural
This is a tough category for personal reasons. Last year, a few of my favorite bricks started stonewalling me after they lost. Even the brick that won was mad because its picture was small. “That could be any brick,” it said. So it is with a heavy heart and a not-insignificant amount of spite that I must disqualify all masonry bricks for bad sportsmanship and instead present this award to a mosaic tile. I hope we can all learn something from this.
Runner-Up: No.
best 429 on-ramp
W Colonial Northbound
Two lanes. Two sets of traffic lights. The thrill of waiting beneath a major overpass where the only thing keeping tons upon tons of steel and concrete from crushing you into paste is more steel and concrete. The second lane doubles as a nifty merge if you’re coming from the east.
Runner-Up: Independence Parkway
best pee corner
Splash Pad Platform
For dogs! Best pee corner for dogs. I really should have found a way to work that into the title.
Runner-Up: The Nearest Child
