Rhetoric
Rheya Tanner

The Best of the Rest

An incredibly official1 list of oft-forgotten local besties.

This year’s awards turned out great and all. But I can’t help feeling they’re missing … something. Pizzazz. Intrigue. Spontaneity. I had some kickass ideas that would have given it that edge2, but I was told they were things that “no one wants to win.”

C’mon, man, everyone wants to win! Including me, which is why I’ve insisted on including my best unused ideas here. The editor is cool with it, as long as I clarify a few tiny details in the fine print. Don’t worry too much with that part. Just read and enjoy!

best local 14 spot to look at trains

From the Side, Or Maybe a Three Quarter Angle

best local decoration of an adult beverage

Blue Martini With Rubber Ducky Garnish 15, New York Beer Project

best local assortment of bones 12

Darwin and Wallace, Adjectives

best local logo containing an orange 4

Winter Garden Pizza Company 5

best local old people chairs 6

The Wooden Rockers on the Dock, Oakland Nature Preserve

best local brick

Twelfth from the Left, 78th7 from the Bottom, East Side, Axiom Bank Building

 
best local bathroom 8

Clermont Performing Arts Center  

best local shop to poke around and go “ooo” and then leave without buying anything

Trick Question; All Our Local Shops Are Great 9

 
best local creaking sound 3

The Swings by the Fountain Downtown

best local shop to look at other people’s feet 10

Tri & Run

best local thrill

Getting Your Water Bill When Your Toilet Has Been Leaking for a Month and You Haven’t Figured That Out Yet 16

 
best at creating awards that are both cool and fair and also at writing for a local magazine

Heather Anne Lee 17

 
best local place to get chick-fil-a 11

Chick-fil-A

best local assortment of bones that are still in use

Lake Apopka Wildlife Drive 13

  1. 1. Not remotely official. Barely wanted.Not an official opinion of The Local.
  2. 2. Not an official opinion of The Local
  3. 3. Creaking sounds judged based on volume, grittiness, and whether they gave me ASMR tinglies.
  4. 4. This is a bigger category than you think.
  5. 5. Awarded posthumously.
  6. 6. Judged on shape, rocking capacity, scenery, and how much your back hurts when you try to get up.
  7. 7. Plus or minus three rows. Buildings are so tall and I am so small.
  8. 8. Due to societal constraints, only women’s bathrooms (and one men’s room (sorry)) could be judged.
  9. 9. It’s Adjectives though.
  10. 10. Uh, reader submitted entry.
  11. 11. The phrasing on this one still needs a little workshopping, but I think the spirit of the award is there.
  12. 12. Hunted collections not counted.
  13. 13. Before you ask: Yes, birds have bones. I checked.
  14. 14. From what I understand, you can also apply this local practice anywhere trains can be looked at.
  15. 15. I don’t remember what it’s called. I don’t even know if they make it anymore. It still wins. Sue me.
  16. 16. Close Runner-up was “Crossing the Street.”
  17. 17. Dang, I thought I had that one.

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